Waiting
09 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
It feels like I can only go for the truth and for that which is of the highest purity, but so far I haven’t found it yet.
It also feels as if something is monitoring all of my actions. As if they are very carefully being scrutenized. Almost as if it all happens in slow motion. There is no judgment involved. Just an observing.
Neti, Neti is going on. A perpetual ‘Not This, Not This’. Every second of the day that I try to reach out for something to save me or make it better, the whispered not this, not this, immediately renders it futile. The waiting is still there. I should say ‘Waiting’ with a capital W. It feels like an old friend and it seems to be a very holy action that leaves me without a choice. How easy it is to take all of this to the fact that I am no good and basically useless. How tempting the seductive, But what about learning how to manifest? What about being positive? What about springing into action? And as soon as this thought is completed, it is being neutralized.
What I am left with is the bitter sweet taste of complete and total Surrender to That Which is Happening. Mixed in with Gratitude. Thank God for that.
Perhaps the only problem is that basically there is no problem. Seeing it through the Bigger Perspective, there has never been one. Perhaps this is what it feels like to give up all sense of control. It is a very humbling experience. The illusion of control is coupled to an inbred yet innocent sense of arrogance.
So all I can do for the time being is to Bless each and every person, instance, situation, circumstance and occurance that has ever crossed my path. Including myself. I Bless them for teaching me and I Bless myself for bearing witness.
